Complied by Krissy Christensen

What is it like to have you child die?

Krissy has many friends and relatives who have experienced the loss of a child – through miscarriage, stillbirth, death as a child or young person, or death of an adult child.

This book contains some of their stories – told in their own words.  Their stories talk about their shock, disbelief, bewilderment, anger, loneliness and more. But the stories also show their resilience and the different ways in which they, as parents, address their grief and learn to live with it.

Krissy’s experiences of listening to, and supporting, many of her friends and others who have lost children underpin her belief that there is no such thing as ‘getting over it’ or ‘closure’. Rather, grief changes over time. There are ways to learn to live with the ongoing grief.

There are helpful ways to support those living with grief as well as some very unhelpful things which are often said – usually with the best of intentions.

This book is not an academic study of grief and loss.  Nor does it attempt to be a comprehensive ‘self-help’ guide to either parents who have lost a child or those who are supporting them.  Yet, as well as the stories themselves showing the range of ways in which people address their loss, this book contains much wisdom about the nature of this type of grief and has helpful suggestions for both grieving parents and for those who support them.

From the Introduction to Please Say Their Name

Over the years I have had a lot of experiences with death. I trained as a nurse. I am now a celebrant. But it was my experiences with so many of my friends and family struggling with a child’s death that have impacted me the most. All the stories in this book are from people I personally know. I have sat with some as they died and have supported friends and parents from the side-line. There are more friends who couldn’t tell their stories just now. Through these times, I often wondered if I was ‘doing it well enough’, and so I asked them to tell me in a few words, what helped the most, or the least. These are their courageous stories.

My experience as a celebrant at the funerals of children of all ages has taught me that we need to listen to those nearest to the child, even if the child is now of adult age, and to stay in touch over the weeks and months ahead. However, our role is not to give an answer, provide a cliché, or to make them feel better. 

Everyone grieves in different ways. There is no right word, or response to someone who has had a child die. Some of my friends who have suffered the death of their child tell me there are some words they wish they’d heard from others, and many more that they did hear but which they found unhelpful. But all of them have told me that they wanted to keep hearing their child’s name said with warmth, both immediately after the death and much later, reminding them of the child that they still deeply love. 

This book is written to honour these friends and family members, and their deep losses through the death of their child. They have had their child die. With a gaping hole inside them, they have had to carry on and do life.

In writing this book, I have two audiences in mind. First, for parents, their families, and friends, who have experienced the death of a child. This is to affirm that you are not alone in having experienced such a loss, although you may feel very alone. 

Secondly, this book is also written for those of us who are supporters of parents and their families in times of a death of a child. At this time, we can feel deeply inadequate to know what to say to make friends or family members ‘feel better’, so they can be ‘back to normal sooner’. I believe there is no ‘back to normal’, but the family must find a new normal, so they can carry on in life. Everyone still needs to eat, sleep, rest and function in a community.

To order a copy please contact Krissy on mark.krissy@xtra.co.nz.

Price: $30.00 plus packing and postage

 

Reviews

Just finished reading Please Say Their Name by Krissy Christensen, and wow, what an incredibly insightful, honest, and raw collection of stories. Each short story shares the voice of parents who have lost a child at different ages, written in such a way that you can almost hear their voices and feel their pain through the words.

I haven’t experienced the death of a child myself (thankfully), though I have lost a husband, and while that grief was immense, I don’t think it compares to what these parents have endured. Still, I was struck by how many parallels there are in grief, because grief, in all its forms, has familiar threads that connect us.

A powerful, heart-wrenching read that reminds you never to shy away from saying their name.  Michelle

Sensitive, compassionate, Krissy did an amazing summary which captured the heart and feelings of it all.  It would be a book for those who have experienced loss and to know that they are not alone in thoughts and feelings.  Bridget (mother of Bonnie)

I am an End of Life Doula, supporting families holistically to travel their end of life journey well.  I learned so much from this book and felt overwhelmed and touched that people who live with the deep grief of losing a child, were willing to share their most intimate and life-changing experiences with us, in such a vulnerable, honest and raw way. My love, thanks and blessings go out to them all.

The book also guides us through supporting ourselves and others as we move forward in our grieving journeys.  And offers lovely suggestions and ideas about how we can support those who are grieving around us in a better way.

We often don’t know what to say when someone has died.  Please don’t say nothing.  And if you don’t know what to say, say ‘I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you and I care.’  And Say Their Name.  They continue to live on in the hearts and minds of those who loved them, and they don’t want you to forget them either.

Thanks Krissy for all your mahi with those struggling with grief.  You are a kind and wonderful wahine. Treza Gallogly, End of Life Doula, Swansong.

Told in the words of the parents, their stories talk about shock, disbelief, bewilderment, anger, loneliness and more. But the stories also show their resilience and the different ways in which they, as parents, address their grief and learn to live with it.

Krissy is experienced in listening to, and supporting, many of her friends and others who have lost children, underpinning her belief that there is no such thing as ‘getting over it’ or ‘closure’. Rather, grief changes over time. There are ways to learn to live with the ongoing grief.

The book includes helpful ways to support those living with grief as well as some very unhelpful things which are often said – usually with the best intentions.  Annie (Death Doula and Celebrant)

Very thought provoking and so meaningful to read of people’s real life experiences. I also think to realise you are not alone in the suffering of the loss of a child, gives you some strength that you can identify with. Massive personal thoughts for people to share of the most difficult, devastating and sad times to face in life.  Raewyn (mother of Nic)

If you have lost a child and think you are going mad, this book is for you. If you are supporting someone through grief, this book is for you. But perhaps the people who need this book the most are those who have never experienced loss themselves. Please Say Their Name offers a deeply moving and honest insight into what it’s truly like to lose a child or a baby born sleeping, shared through the voices of many who have walked this heartbreaking path including me.

Through every story, there is one clear and powerful theme: no one wants their child forgotten. Speaking their name and sharing their memory shows that their child was loved and so dearly wanted.

This book is raw, real, and comforting all at once. It reminds us that even in unimaginable grief, love remains, and saying their name keeps that love alive. I am honoured to have my son, Dan in Krissy’s book. Corrina Shilling (Mother of Dan)

I particularly loved that each story was a quick read so that I could pick up your book at any time and keep moving through all the stories.  I liked the raw honesty of the parents stories. I liked that there were a variety of situations and ages included.

I especially liked all the references at the end for further help.  Beth

I personally found your book comforting to read knowing that I am not alone. The loss of a precious child is shared by many others who have their own unique stories to tell. Please Say their Name is a Safe and Scared Space to share our stories and for others to have a glimpse into the hearts of grieving parents.  Maxine (mother of Jake and Madison)

Please Say Their Name is an excellent reference book with helpful and practical advice. Each parent and sibling has written of their experience of loss with honesty and integrity, making it, at times, a hard read but a vital one. Julie (mother of Susan).

I found this collection of narratives both moving and inspiring. People who have lost a child face deep pain from their loss, yet beyond their pain, these writers have managed to write with heart and wisdom. The lessons and advice within these narratives could be applied to anyone who has either lost a child or knows someone who has and is seeking ways to be engaged and supportive of them, either in a professional way or as a personal friend.

The people who shared their own experiences are brave to contribute their experiences to a big picture and help others.  Each narrative has been lightly edited so as not to interfere with the unique voice of each narrator. Great work Krissy and team.  Margaret

Please Say Their Name, is an important and necessary book. Krissy gives a voice to a parent’s worst nightmare- the loss of a child – with care, compassion and authenticity. Despite the sadness and tragedy of these singular accounts, each unique story is readable and compelling. This book will help all of us to better comprehend one of life’s deepest losses. Mary

Reading the stories in Please Say Their Name, I found it really emotional and although it saddened me and I cried, I did not want to put the book down. This is real life and I am reading something that you would not normally know about.  At the end of the book there is a resource section which can be used to find out more.

It is my recommendation that this book be read by anyone interested even if it is hard, as I learned a lot. I appreciate people sharing their story. I will remember to say their name more. Cynthea